The "Tale of the S'Bling Snail"

Got a Snail of Tale to tell you Friends

A tale of a snail or two....

Back around the beginning of recorded time, or at least some 36 years ago, there came about the exchange of a glass and metal snail. Small in stature, cheap, er.. INEXPENSIVE in value and odor, its actual origins and ownership seem to be the topics of some dispute.

What is beyond debate is the mythic stature that this simple snail has risen to.

While the actual material value of the snail is indeterminate, it's perceived value has risen with each daring adventure and escapade. (Not to mention the bragging rights...)

Therefore, my friends, allow me to relate to you a brief portion of the perhaps only slightly exaggerated

“Tale of the S' Bling Snail”--

At the time of this writing, legend would have us believe that the body of the snail might perhaps have been formed of priceless crystal, handcrafted by the finest S' Karvian Crystal artisans from the great houses of Europe; The golden head perhaps was poured and molded from the very last ounce of gold to be removed from the rare Bahumbian gold mine in the most remote rain forests of Guatamala. (Where it is often referred to by the historians there as the fabled “Bahum Bug”. Captured within it's faceted body must be 'naught but the very (albeit odorous) elixir of life, itself.

It is widely agreed that the snail was first purchased from an agent of the A 'Von realm. However, who the purchaser was, or which sister first owned this family heirloom, and whether or not it was ever presented as an actual gift to either party is hotly debated. What is not in debate is the fierce battle of wits and persistence that has resulted from its existence within the family. (Persistence; In other families that is spelled S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N.)

Again, who first purloined (stole is such an ugly word) the item, and from whom is not clearly agreed upon by those involved, suffice it to say that someone, either my mother, hereinafter referred to as “Our Beloved Queen”, for whom I am happy to be counted among her minions; or my Aunt Peg, hereinafter referred to as “Princess Peg” managed to “acquire” the precious snail one from the other party in this dispute.

Each time the possessor of the snail has only managed to acquire temporary custody of the jewel, as the “dis-possessed” individual has then resorted to much cunning and guile, nay, shall we say downright sneakiness, in her efforts to find and re-acquire the little slug.

The countless thousands of locations where the snail has been hidden, on persons and in treasure chests across the world are, perhaps, a story for another time. Let us just say that government agencies, both foreign and domestic, have been involved; family members have been sworn to blood secrecies; cereal boxes defiled.

The snail has changed hands numerous times. Some unfortunate times may even have involved physical compromise. It is worth noting that in none of these instances has the snail suffered so much as a crack or even the smallest of chips. Hey, those S'Kar's know a thing or two about making crystal.

Other times the acquisition has taken place with such cunning and stealth that the offended party was left sitting snail-less in the morning sunlight, wondering “Just where DID that little S'Kar Go?”

For this writing allow me to relate but two examples of snail discovery and escape:

Decades ago the snail was in the possession of Our Beloved Queen when she traveled to the Land of Spuds to visit her parents. The Princess Peg was visiting as well, stopping en route to one of the far Asian Islands. (Sounds like a salad dressing, doesn't it? Is anybody else hungry?)

Through an act of untold sneakiness Princess Peg managed to discover and obtain the snail. Secreting it upon her person she told no one of her accomplishment. (As a side note, it must here be noted that the snail seems to have spent an unusual amount of time in Princess Peg's undergarments; A tale that is also perhaps best left for another time... when the children are asleep.... and much wine has been poured.)

Princess Peg kept her secret until she was standing safely separated from the rest of her family, protected by the flight departure fencing, on her way to board her airplane. She then turned, produced the snail from it's hiding place in her bosom where it had been securely kept for several days (see what I mean). Turning she waved the snail victoriously and then dashed for her waiting plane, spiriting the little slug away across the wide ocean.

Another time Princess Peg had traveled with their parents to the home of Our Beloved Queen, on the edge of the desert lands in the Republic of Texas. Through another act of untold sneakiness, or perhaps just sheer determined digging, Princess Peg managed to acquire the prize, again hiding it away on her person (not her bosom this time, but still in her undergarments... figure it out for yourself).

Our beloved Queen appeared unaware of this dastardly accomplishment. As her family pulled away in their carriage she stood, standing quiet in her robes. Princess Peg, squirming and struggling, freed the snail from it's hiding place to show off her success.

Unbenownst to Princess Peg, Our Beloved Queen had acquired another, decoy, snail. As Princess Peg waved the decoy snail out the window at her sister, celebrating her new triumph, Our Beloved Queen slid her hand into the pocket of her robe, and removed it, to hold high for all to see, the true, genuine jewel of their shared quest. Their father, a wise and compassionate King in his own right, refused all pleas and demands to “stop this damn car” and continued on toward his destination.

This brings us, thus, to the most recent episode in this slimy saga.

Over this Independence Day holiday, with much of the family in residence, including Princess Peg, Our Beloved Queen's minions took it upon themselves to search the house and surrounding grounds several times daily, in an effort to discover and recover the snail for their benevolent queen. As it turns out, youngest son Kelly scored the success, finding the snail in a shirt pocket in the queen's closet, an area that had been searched unsuccessfully previously. (That's right Peg. If you hadn't gotten nervous and moved it, we probably never would have found it!)

It can be seen here,
nestled in Our Beloved Queen's hair.

This picture was placed as the default background upon Princess Peg's computer, for her to find the next time she turned on the device.

It is said that Seismologists in far Colorado were deeply troubled by the unexpected earth tremors they were feeling, at least until their machine readouts began to actually spell out the stream of four letter words roaring from Princess Peg that afternoon.

So where is the “S'Bling Snail” now? Alas, I am but a humble scribe and know not. But rest assured:

The quest is begun yet again....